Drifting

I am worn out

Exhausted

Frustrated

I currently hate my life, all of it!

Nothing gives me satisfaction

Well, that’s not entirely true

I haven’t tried eating junk (cannot afford)

Crashing cars (cannot afford too) and

Jumping off buildings

(I hate pain and I’m currently in a lot of it)

I’m slowly drifting (don’t know to where)

Floating away from all that I hold dear

It pains me but so what?

It’s only me who got me

For this, I know I’ll be alright (maybe)

I sure lost what I previously had

But I can work and get it all back

It’s scary; as I imagine hell will be!

But what other choice do I have?

My alternatives are quite simple

Surrender & die or fight & still die!

The Cerci in me knows her pick

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Spin, bubbly

‘Radiate with pure joy!’

For some strange reason, I can’t sleep. All that’s in my mind is the first time you kissed me. How you looked deep into my eyes despite the fact it was pitch black, how you touched my neck tenderly thankful that I didn’t have hair falling onto my shoulders and getting into your way, not that you would have minded pushing it back or tacking it behind my ear, your blank face as you searched for the perfect words to help me recover from the shock that you’ve always had an interest in me for the longest time and you just didn’t know how, where or when to tell me and that you’d be delighted, more than honoured and the happiest you’d ever been, should I give you a chance to prove yourself to me.

How you’d bared your soul naked to me, how vulnerable that must have been and surely must have felt… the yearning you had, how softly and tenderly you held my hand… and finally how you asked “Babe, can I kiss you?” After I’d agreed to giving us a chance. How you drew closer to me, one hand holding both of my hands and on my lap, the other on my neck. The way you drew in slowly, closed your eyes and finally locked our lips. It was a wonderful out of this world feeling. My mouth was suddenly so full, bubbling like I’d taken a thousand, differently favoured, bubble gums, topped up with a mouthful of sparkling water, though a strange comparison, I felt like fireworks were exploding in my mouth leaving their ever so spectacular views (read tastes) in there coz the feel good feeling of seeing fireworks was never enough I wanted to taste it(I’ve always thought the displays looked like multicolored candy).

How I struggle to word that moment ;surely how do you describe such a magical moment and not strip it its beauty? Your lips locked mine softly yet so firmly… I felt as if you were claiming me and certainly, you were. The hand that was previously on my laps had somehow found it’s way to my waist, the grip, firm as well, was so pampering, it made me aware of my or rather our surroundings. The trees breathed slowly and rhythmically releasing a wonderful breeze, “how is this possible yet I can hardly contain my breathe?” I thought my chest was busting open, My world was spinning so fast but the crickets went on and on with their songs while the mosquitoes buzzed and danced, Natures Orchestra.

The feeling of your tongue, totally indescribable! You drew me in a little bit closer, tightened your grip and claimed my lips with some next level passion, your mouth felt so warm, your lips so tender, it was all so comforting that I knew I wanted to grow old experiencing that for the rest of my life… When we broke off from the kiss, I could swear I saw a million and one shooting stars in the night, that was a few moments ago bottomlessly black and blank. How couldn’t all my wishes not come true now, when I had just experienced a simple yet so rare kiss, that was super astonishing and mind blowing. There’s no way I’d I’ve pictured, imagined, dreamed nor wished of it yet it had come to pass and I’d now be experiencing such kisses, with definitely more sauce and spice (wink😜 wink😜) for eternity.

The look you gave me after the kiss was different, somehow and in a good way you had become someone different, it was no longer tension nor worry, i could sense the urge of you wanting to protect me from everything and everyone else. You wanted to explore life with me now more than ever. I could see and smell a pot of bubbling love boiling inside you that you just couldn’t wait to serve and share with me. And then;,,, there was the smirk that was plastered on your face, a look that said something along, “settle down missy 😛, buckle up! coz your about to go on a roller coaster that never stops… if you think you’re going anywhere? I’m never letting go, I’ma hold you down and give you the time of your life.”

So far? The experience has been worthwhile. But what steadied my heart was you saying, “Thanks babe, that was wonderful!” It felt amazing to know that I’d given joy to you too, it was somewhat a confirmation that you had a seat in the roller coaster too and no matter what you’d always hold my hand… that as you made me happy I’d be reciprocating the happiness, probably more. I can never get the image of that perfect night out of my mind nor can I ever shake the feeling off any cell of my being. Not that I’d want to anyway.

Bearings

“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf”

I am afraid

Of letting the world

Into my words

For they are precious

Pretty much all my wealth

In this baren place

But what is life without risks?

Without fear?

Without passion?

Without the adrelaline?

So, here I stand

At the edge of the line

Not to blend in

Nor conspicuously stand out

but to simply step out of my cocoon

And into my fears

Which are but countless tiers

Mixed with some bit of tears.

My only hope?

To be given some time

A toddler’s grace period

Before she’s weaned

Then y’all can get lime

For I will have had my footing

My bearings will be right and stable

My compass no longer waggling

RELINQUISHED

“…Stories were full of hearts being broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away it’s dream, whatever that dream maybe!” -Pearl Sydenstricker Buck-

It’s easy to wish death, or at the very least bad and terrible things, upon someone when they’ve wronged you, broken your heart and dreams and worse, crushed your soul and spirit. What you don’t realize is, when that happens, yes, when your wishes are granted, you’ll be more devastated than happy, in fact there won’t be any fraction of joy in you. You definitely won’t be the saddest because what hits you is way worse. I can’t begin to describe it but maybe we could start with, terror? Fear? Regret? Despair? Horror? Feeling responsible for their demise? Or should I just say a killer? You see yourself as a monster and wonder when, where and why you became one. The hollow endless pit in your broken heart and crushed soul begins knowing no bounds. You realize how selfish you were by only thinking about yourself. You think of their family and friends. You realize then that that person was human and had people looking upon and depending on him/her. It’s when you remember that every person’s life has a head and tail, you know? The flip side? It dawns on you that though the deceased was a devil to you, he was an angel to others. Its then that you realize even your worst enemy’s life is precious and that you can never put a figure to it, how do they say it? Invaluable? Yes, invaluable it is. It hits you that the feeling of disgust and contempt you had every time you saw or thought of them and remembered what they did to you isn’t half as bad as recalling the moment you wished them death, now that it’s here with you. And you totally didn’t have any right whatsoever to wish such a hard reality on them. Only God, the divine and mother nature should have such powers. You realize you were trying to play god and it’s now not so fun, entertaining or refreshing as you thought it to be.

So, did I wish death upon someone? Yes. Did they die? Not immediately, but yes. It was after a long while but as soon as I heard the news of their death, I recalled my wish and the unreeling, hollow pit widened and deepened. I regretted and felt terrible. I realize now that it had not been as a consequence to my wish and their time had come but I did re-call my other death wishes from the death fairy and decided to completely forget about her. Now, I just want to believe in just the tooth and love fairy…oh! And the fairies in tinker bell. My! Do I love the tinker bell movies or do I love them? Now, I realize forgiveness and love are some of the greatest gifts we have within us, thus I choose to forgive. Do I have people who I still hate and loathe and still very bitter towards? Yes. Am I ready to forgive right now? Maybe not. But I do know that one day I’ll be able to… all I can do for now is not wish them terrible things in life maybe, not wish them anything at all. For now, I focus on growth, my growth. Learning to love myself enough so that I don’t get hurt as I used to be. I realize that I’m partly to blame because no matter what, if someone hurts me, it’s because I allowed them to…I allowed them to get to me. Learning and accepting that letting go is key to my growth, it lessens my burdens and baggage a great deal. Learning that once in a while I’ll be hurt but it’s upon me to understand that those who hurt me maybe broken too thus their actions, thereby, easing the letting go process. I’m also learning and realizing that as much as that maybe true, it’s no excuse and I shouldn’t give excuses for them or allow anyone to take my happiness because they are dealing with a bunch load of their shit. Learning that I need to let go and forgiving doesn’t happen automatically or in a snap. Learning to hope that one day, hopefully soon, I’ll be able to forgive and patch things up with my wrong doers and those I’ve wronged because I’m no saint as well.

On to other matters…still concerning and somehow related to death. One of my small potted succulent plants died and it feels really (please lengthen the really…like reeeeeeeally) bad. A moment of silence for her.

Desolate 

Its the middle of the night

One of many such nights

Out are the lights

Medium brightness from my little gadget

Heavy is my heart 

So are my weights

Out of books to read

(My only place of escape) 

Quite broke to purchase a new set

A lot on my mind

Scared of the future

Another of those times

When I’m just a bleep in the universe

My bed is big but oddly warm

Weird coz my insides are in shivers 

The only good I possess is my playlist

God bless artists

I cant quite grasp how sad can be funny

Yet it is

Big plans and tasks

Zero resources just plenty of faith

Nearing timelines

When will I be timeless? 

At the crossroads, again

What to prioritize?

My thoughts shift to relations

At this point I tear down

My heart cracks some more

Coz whatever I settle on

Hurts a loved one

If they’re lucky to escape

I’m the one who’s wrecked

How do I escape? 

Quacks 

Empty hearts

Great ambitions

Split decisions

With total convictions

Can love and life be separated?

Yonder

So sick of this life!

With all the variations

Mutations…

The absurdity of evolution

Thousands of questions

Of life’s unbalanced equations

To crew and gang formations

Yet at night, you toss and turn on countless motions

Rethinking your bearings

How you’ve constantly felt lost

Rethinking your foundations

The only constant notion?

How good lotion feels on your skin

How it calms and relaxes your nerves

How a break out would set you free

Vivacious Versified

“…If you are a disaster, you are the most beautiful one I’ve ever seen.”

This week marks two years since I got into a relationship and honestly, I’m surprised it has lasted this long. Not that I didn’t believe in love, Lord knows my bestfriend, Moh, and I are hopeless romantics, but every person who has been through a shitty relationship(s) will be the first to confess that after experiencing that hell, you don’t expect to have an encounter with heaven. That was pretty much me. I penned this piece around this time last year since I couldn’t believe it had been that long and guess what? The time has doubled. (Me singing “everything na double double….naaa double daboo”). My only hope? I get to celebrate this for infinity. Anyway, allow me to let you indulge yourself in some tiny bit of my emotions.
P.S. I couldn’t bring myself to say love life.

This is nothing but a simple girl’s expression of love,
Of how she feels deep down her heart
For a man who relinquished his…
Manly (carnal) desires for refined, urbane and jet-set gals
To be with the dreary, imperfect her.
The man who re-surged her belief in love.
Love, a feeling and emotion she had let die
And was now long buried.
“Meagre scarce likings are enough”
She’d told herself.
A man who was beyond her wildest dreams, hopes and wishes.
Someone she was sure would never, in a million years,
Have an interest in a wreck like her.
To her surprise, she’d later learn
He’d woken one day with a decision,
A resolution, to let her know how exquisite she was.
How tired he was of lurking in darkness, stalking and admiring her
And how he would be incomprehensibly joyous
Should she agree to be his exclusive gal.
With an ambivalent yes, she had agreed
From past experiences she had learnt that’s what they all say.
She felt this too, wouldn’t last.
All the rest had failed terribly,
What was so unique with this particular one that all the rest didn’t have?
As I pen this, she’s glad she’d decided to give it a shot.
My!
Today… These two share an altruistic, of a kind love. One on its own level.
A Love that surpasses everything else.
A Love they thought belonged to the operas, movies, books…
A fairy tale, we would say.
A Love they’d thought they’ll never experience and had given up on.
A Love that didn’t care what the rest of the world thought.
If anything, they were the world
A Love so strong such that even if the guarantee was absent,
The possibility of it lasting a lifetime, an eternity, was enough to keep them going.
It was (is) ‘them’ against ‘them’
They were determined to overcome, and for sure, they would.
Good thing they both understood love was (is) brittle and fragile.
One of those goods whose packaging clearly state “This Side Up! Handle With Care!”
Taking care of each other to their very best, is always their top priority
The most appropriate way of doing this, they’d both figured, was loving each other as much as they each loved themselves.
If.Not.Last…
FOREVER!
I don’t know what happens to a love like that.
😘😘😘

Hitch

“Too much hope is never good for anyone. Be a doer, not a miserable hopeful.”

Another of those times when life is a bitch

Ironically, the best I can do is watch

If worst comes to worst, this approach I’m ready to ditch

I’ve had enough of the hitch after hitch after hitch

My goal though, I never switch

The Final destination is rich

With a little more perseverance, I’ll reach

With every failed idea, I identify a new niche

New ideas, plans and strategies I pitch

In my palm comes an itch

So smile, a sign.